thank God for Kohls

I’ve worked as a chapel assistant on weekends, and some random weekdays, since July.  It’s a perfectly ambiguous title, because it sounds as though I should be assisting the couples getting wed or the families christening their babies, but in reality I work for the chapel.  I turn the lights on, set the temperature, make sure it’s clean and that it stays that way.  I see the patrons as they come and go (speaking of Michelangelo), cleaning up any remnants of their ceremonies and pocketing my own sometimes practical, sometimes funny keepsakes.  I rarely get a chance to have an intimate interaction with the chapel’s guests.

Wooden hangers, lint rollers, ring boxes from Jared’s, a revised wedding day version of “Oh, The Places You’ll Go!”, a program that specifies a Boyz II Men song will play at the end of a wedding ceremony and a few good stories.

There was a young couple—probably no more than two years older than me—who quietly stared in opposite directions for a few minutes before the newlywed bride finally said: “So, can I get a ride with you to the reception?”

It was like watching Michael Cera play a groom AND a bride in an indie comedy.  I sincerely enjoyed their awkwardness.

I can’t imagine the other awkward phrases that will be exchanged between those two and for that I thank God.

This next one is the type of story you always hope to hear but are always kind of afraid to tell for fear you’ll mangle it:

The couple had lived in Lawrence their entire lives and had attended rival high schools.

They both went to KU.

They both were in the School of Fine Arts—he was a Music Comp. major and she was Music Theory.

They were probably in the same place at the same time many, many times but they never met—at least, not until their junior year.

They met at Kohl’s.

She was working and he was returning something.

He left with her number and now they teach music in Texas.

 

day 207. I want to like “imboycrazy.com” BUT…

I have just read the stupidest blog ever.  Well, technically, it’s not the stupidest blog ever, it’s just the stupidest blog I’ve ever read.   Alright, just the stupidest blog I’ve ever read in the past five minutes; I’ve read more stupid things.  And this isn’t actually a stupid blog, I guess, it’s just sometimes she throws some stupid shit out of left field and I’m all “Wow, that was really stupid. I resent that you wrote that, because it makes me think poorly of U and UR blog.”

It’s this chick from California, who is apparently famous for her “b l o g” (she always writes it like that when she talks about her blog, and I wonder if she’s actually spelling it out in her mind, or just making it look “cool”) in her parts.  And by apparently, I mean she actually is “famous” in some sense for her “b l o g”.  I found her through Interview Magazine—the purveyor of all things of The Coooool.

She is someone my friend Luke would refer to as “the hippest motherf–ker on the planet”.  The only ads she has on her site are for American Apparel, she sometimes hosts events for Urban Outfitters and in one of her posts on “American Apparel babes” she ends with this: “besides, i haven’t visited the new one in malibu yet! omg, American Apparel beach babes? i can’t wait! xo”  And she does this thing where she rarely capitalizes anything after a period.

Then again, that’s just good marketing on her part.  She is speaking to a specific audience; an audience that I don’t totally understand, because I don’t get the whole hipper-than-thou-sell-my-soul-and-pledge-my-allegiance-to-American-Apparel-on-a-daily-basis thing. But that’s just me.

But interspersed between the loads of bullshit and hipster-cool advice, there’s some very entertaining writing, and some interesting, things that make you go “Hmm…” writing.   Yet, as soon as I start thinking “Hey, this deserves a spot in the Cool Shit bookmarks” she writes something completely stupid and elaborate eye-roll inducing.  And getting on the Cool Shit bookmarks is waaaay better than getting on the Interview Magazine “Blogs We Like” blogroll–which she totally is on. WAY better.

Like in her post “sometimes it’s ok to be a loser” she gives us this gem:

We need losers to continue on their loser path to nothingness, middle ‘age’dom, old age, and to keep from getting in our f—ing way! We need them to continue to be lazy, get nothing done, acquiring and spreading stds, snorting peanut butter crank, smoking pot, hanging out, shopping all day with someone elses money, partying too much, leaning against walls, avoiding phone calls/not returning phone calls, borrowing money, putting things off, not making plans, living in a trailer, surfing all day, eating too much, sleeping in too late, celebrating achievements they’ve yet to/and will Never achieve!

I didn’t just laugh at that, I went through a mental Rolodex of people I’ve met within the past year and a half, and then laughed harder.  Because when else will you meet more people that fit into that category of people who are lazy, uninspiring, uninspired, and, this is the best part, totally loaded with somebody else’s money and what seems to be all the free time in the world, than in your first couple of years of college?  Also, I’m guessing you can find those people in the first couple years after college.  Wait, maybe those people are just always going to be around, no matter when, because I keep thinking of more and more people that fit that mold.  They are the people who insist on doing nothing.  At all.  Ever.

The way it’s worded is a little mean, but I think I get what she’s getting at.  It’s that Shawshank Redemption, “Get busy living, or get busy dying” thing.  And I’m all about the get busy living thing.

So maybe I do like her.  And maybe she will get a place in the Cool Shit bookmark*.

Here’s the site, when you read something that is elaborate-eye-roll inducing, just keep reading: IMBOYCRAZY

*she did